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Today I am back at the weight I was at when I first got to town a year ago. I definitely have the IT professional physique now. Working at the hospital has not influenced me to practice good health habits. I don’t get any exercise anymore. I am on the see food diet (I see food then I eat it). I have extended my burger night from one day to several days at week. I was at a birthday party on Saturday. I just kept eating and eating. The spring rolls were fantastic, and they made so many of them. The little ready-bake quiches are a weakness for me. Then there was the hummus. Then they brought our fajitas. My band played, we had cake. Then I had seconds on the fajitas.

The hospital has not influenced me to eat well. I walk by the physical therapists with my head hung low. I really don’t want to make eye contact with them. Looking down is pretty bad though because I then have to see their calves, and their calves are built. I would never play them in a one-on-one of any sport, even if I were in shape. I’m a weakling.

I have become a chunky butt with cottage cheese ass textures. My belly flows over my waistline like a hot mercury bursting out of a thermometer. Tonight I will be visited by the ghost of John Candy. “If these fates remain unchanged, I see an empty office chair where Fat Frankie once sat.” Thank you, ghost of John Candy. I have felt like doing some standup again. I feel as though being fat might make me funnier. Looking like a guy who’s given up might be hilarious. Especially since many of my jokes have to do with failed relationships. “This guy’s never been in a relationship. Poor thing thinks he’s attractive. Married? This guy was married? I can see why she left him. He’s delusional… and fat.”

So here I am at work eating coffee for breakfast. Thought about having a kolache but changed my mind when I couldn’t slide my finger inside my waistline. I’ll have soup for lunch, and for dinner I’ll have a shitload of snacks. I’ll start healthy by trying to limit myself to an apple with peanut butter, but then I’ll have a hot dog, then the second hotdog, then two slices of buttered toast. I’ll probably eat the rest of the tortilla chips and then justify it by reminding myself that I did good today.

I’m going to eat the can of pork and beans tonight. With hot dogs chopped up in the beans. With American cheese melted on top. Over spaghetti.